14 Things NOT to Stick Up Your Butt…

Gere in Venice

Image via Wikipedia

I was looking through my server logs and one of the Google searches that brought someone here earlier was things stick up ass. Apparently in Canada I am number 10 out of almost two million for things stick up ass. At least the entry I just linked to. It consists of four or five very short sentences I penned back in 2004. I was actually just linking to another site.

It got me to thinking pretty seriously though about things you shouldn’t stick up your ass. I should write about it. What a great bit of community service that would be, I mean lots of sites have pictures of things that have been stuck up other people’s butts but really, how many web sites have a list of things you shouldn’t stick up your butt?

I suppose there are several but I will attempt to address some of them myself.

  1. Old fashioned glass coke bottles – They may be all smooth and easy going in but those curves just lie. Once it goes in it never comes back out and really, what happens when you sit down? Broken green bottle in your ass.
  2. Gerbils – Just ask a certain old actor who shall remain nameless here. *cough* richard gere *cough*. fuck it, I lied.
  3. Balloons – While it might seem really funny to watch someone try to inflate one of these guys with their flatulence the backdraft can suck these bad boys in and really mess you up. Just say no!
  4. Ben gay or any other heat rub – BAD fucking news. You just thought it was bad when you got it on your balls…
  5. Golf Balls – while they might seem like little ben-wa balls those little indentations would tend to collect feces and other stuff and then just get stuck in your anal sphincter and lodge there until your ass explodes.
  6. Pencils – Two words. Lead Poisoning.
  7. Velociman – While it’s certainly a job I doubt it’s the one he’s looking for.
  8. A professional Model – Remember that plugin I recently said I use. You know, they one that suggests tags, keywords, related entries and photos while I am typing a blog post? It’s called Zemanta. What the fuck does that have to do with all this? It suggested a photo called Anus of a Professional Model. It’s at fucking wikipedia. Go search for it if you don’t believe me.
  9. A 21 year old woman – Now it’s suggesting a photograph of the anus of a 21 year old woman. While I might find it enjoyable to explore the anus of a 21 year old woman intimately I don’t think I want to include it here. Besides, if you stick a 21 year old woman up your butt what would the wife say?
  10. Ants – They bite.
  11. Watermelon seeds – remember when your dad would lie to you and tell you that if you swallow the seeds you would end up with a watermelon in your belly? Imagine the vine growing out of your asshole.
  12. Richard Gere – Worse than the hamster. really.
  13. Loaded Firearms – The clench would be the hard part.
  14. Raisinets – While they might look like dingleberries, don’t be fooled.

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