300 Pounds of Shit…

So I had to make a run to the bank around lunchtime this afternoon when the store called me on my cell phone. I hadn’t even left the damned parking lot before it started ringing. They called to let me know that a couple of employees were stranded in Tallapoosa. Considering that one of them was my 2nd shift waitress for today and the other was my 2rd shift cook I decided that it would be a good idea to pick them up. Actually I probably would have even if they had been off today, that’s just what kind of guy I am. The fact that they were scheduled to work only added to urgency of picking them up.
I hit the bank and then picked them up about a block away. Just as soon as they got in my car I was hit by a wave of stench so foul that I almost blew chunks all over my steering wheel. I’m not talking about needing a touch of body odor either. This was such a disgusting odiferous stink of someone that had shit on themselves and then died. In a hot room. Two days prior.
I suspected the female of the pair since she was sitting beside me in the front seat. I don’t think she had ever even considered getting in the back. As it is she had to put the seat all of the way back and even then her knees were still resting on my freaking dashboard. While I try not to make fun of people because of their attributes all I can really say is, fuck. I am a bit chunky in the middle and starting to go bald as well so I’m certainly no spring chicken but this woman has got to be 300 pounds or I’m fucking Barack Obama. Jesus Christ. Her ass looks like a sack with two weasels fighting as she walks. How can you not take care of yourself to the point where your ass is heavier than my fucking eleven year old and five times as wide? Or perhaps I’m just being too judgemental…
What really sucks is that an hour after rescuing them and taking them home she called me needing a ride to work. Fuck. I could have sent one of my waitresses but she has this little bitty sports car so the chick wouldn’t fit on the roof much inside the fucking thing.
My car still smells bad. I think maybe I’ll stop and pick up a couple of air fresheners and just let them sit on my passenger seat for a couple of days. Either that or leave my dog out in the rain and then take him for a ride in my car. The smell would be a major improvement…

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