I was hanging out over at Pointless Drivel and Mr Fabulous put up a post that I commented on that briefly touched on this subject. I wanted to pontificate but it ran too long so I cut it down to a sentence or two and decided to put the rest here where it belongs, in the cesspool that is my brain. Only you get to share in it.

Let’s face it. I work in a pretty fast paced environment. There are no set breaks. Big Sally doesn’t get to take 15 at 10 AM while I get 30 minutes for lunch at 11. It just doesn’t work that way. Everyone has to take turns and when it’s busy you just don’t get breaks. This brings around the fact that sometimes you have to combine what you are doing in order to get it all in.

I’ve been known to balance a drink and a sandwich in one hand while holding a smoke in the other hiding outside the building trying to get it all down in about five minutes. I will also occasionally wander into the crapper while eating, although I try to make sure nobody sees me do it. It can be interesting trying to eat while using the bathroom, and zipping back up is a bitch. Good thing I wear that black apron. I could walk around all day with the willie hanging out and you would never be the wiser. Unless of course someone hot walked in. Then there might be pokey issues with the apron that might best be hidden within the folds of the old briefs.

Now when I am at home I will take all sorts of stuff into the toilet with me. Normal accessories include my cell phone. People get pleasantly surprised with grunting and splashing when they talk to me on the phone. If it’s one of my ‘pains in the asses’ that have to call me ten times a shift because they can’t find their ink pen I take distinct pleasure in ripping loose a good fart or two and then make sure to flush before we hang up. I also usually take my iPaq and play solitaire when I’m farting around. I tend sneak my smokes in and turn the fan on as well. Not that the wife doesn’t know I’m doing it but the mixture of poopy and cigarette smoke is volatile to a non-smoker. If I have coffee I’ll take it and a book if there’s a good one I’m reading.

I tried taking the laptop, but it gets pretty hot and balancing it on my lap while my pants are down around my ankles is something I only tried once. No singe marks on my dugan!

Eating can be quite a sticky issue. Literally! I have no problem eating while in there. My nether rgions are probably cleaner than my hands anyway, so what’s the problem? You just have to be picky what you get. Nothing to terribly hot obviously. I have on occasion spilled a bit of coffee and it’s like setting the laptop on there, only in liquid form. No donuts, no PBJ sandwiches. Snack cakes are alright but then you have to deal with the issue of crumbs and explain to the wife why there were crumbs in your pubes. ‘Oh, it’s OK honey, I was just eating a Ding Dong’ just doesn’t sound the same when used in that particular context for some stupid reason.

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