Even though I had tried to reload the driver from device manager, apparently I needed to completely reload the software using Creative’s installation file. I fucking hate soundblasters software and drivers. I have been using their cards for 15 years or so and I like them, but they are always behind the times with drivers, and their software blows chunks.
Listening to the best of the Pixies right now. Much better working environment. I don’t know what the hell I was doing (probably working) while they were still around, but this kicks ass.