A few months ago I visited the CAIR website. Apparently if you sign up on their list they will send you a free copy of the Koran. Cool. I mean, you can’t really diss a religion if you don’t actually know anything about it. I know all about it’s millions of worshipers, but that doesn’t really tell me anything about Islam itself other than a bunch of stupid people worship, but that’s not a lot different than other religions, except that they are more violent, while the other major religions of the world have evolved and let the secular governments take care of violence for them.

Damn, this thing is big and heavy. It’s going to take me forever to read it. For the time being it is sitting in the shrink wrap on my floor, so I guess I am already starting out bad, at least according to the coversheet that they sent with it. Speaking of the coversheet, here’s what it says.

This is a book that We have revealed to you (Prophet Muhammad) so that you may lead mankind out of the depths of darkness into the light.” (The Holy Quran, 14:1)


Thank you for requesting your copy of the Holy Quran, Islam’s revealed text. This is an important step toward understanding and coming to appreciate the universal teachings of Islam.

I hope you will take the earliest opportunity to read its verses and reflect on their meaning, thus doing your part to promote mutual understanding and tolerance of religious diversity in America.

That certainly starts out innocently enough. Of course I want religious diversity and freedom in America. Hell, I’m even OK if the Great Spaghetti Monster takes a stop in and wants to hang out.

As you may know, Muslims regard the Quran as the inerrant Word of God as revealed to the Prophet blah blah blah and so on lets get to the good part.

Muslims are taught from an early age to treat the Quran with great care and respect. For example, Muslims avoid placing the Quran on the floor, near the toilet and sink, near the feet, or in dirty or wet areas, as this is considered inappropriate treatment of a holy text.

Oops. Since it’s currently holding down the floor next to my computer desk, I guess I am already fucked. Well, it is still wrapped up, maybe I have an out there. I wonder if my mail carrier made sure not to set her mail bag on the floor today. She could already be subject to eternal damnation for that one.

Many Muslims hold the Quran by taking it in both hands as one would a valuable piece of art and keep themselves in a state of ritual purity, washing before opening the holy book.

Damn, I forgot to wash after I played with myself earlier. I haven’t even cracked the book and have already sinned. That’s pretty heavy stuff.

Just as Muslims are expected to treat the religious texts of others with the utmost respect and courtesy, so too do we hope that you will take the information above into consideration when handling the Holy Quran. (or we will come fuck your mothers and cut your dick off before we blow something up).

Damn. Most of my reading time for something like this is spent on the toilet, so the entire time I will be reading it, Muhammad will be looking down on me thinking what a bastard I am.

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