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Goals Meme

I was tagged for this meme several days ago and just had several other things that needed doing, and then once I started writing completely skipped it. Vicezilla tagged me with this earlier in the week and I apologize for being remiss on getting it posted but here it is.

The premise of the “Gotta Get Goals” meme is to post 5-10 of your most over-the-top goals that you want to accomplish before leaving the earth. I’m not tagging anyone with this, but if you want to participate, just send me a trackback or link to my post.

As Vicezilla did, when I first started writing this I thought it would be easy but it’s not. For the last twenty years I have basically lived, or rather, made my living for my children as I will for the next twenty or so and as a result some of my goals are very selfish.

1. I want to take five or ten years and just travel the world. Heck, I could take ten years just to travel to all of the places that I have been or want to go in the U.S. I want to go to Hawaii and Scotland. I want to go check out Europe before it is overtaken entirely by the Middle Eastern societies. Europeans already dislike Americans anyway and it’s not going to get any better. I want to go to Tahiti and Australia. I want to see Japan. I even want to go hang out in the Great White North and have some brews with Bob and Doug, eh.

2. I don’t want to be filthy stinking rich, although that would be nice. I would like to not ever have to worry about finances or what I am spending this week and how it’s going to effect paying my bills next month. I suppose though if I were filthy stinking rich that would help along #1.

3. I want to be a writer. A REAL writer. I consider my brother a writer but I don’t know if I have the stick-with-it or even the ability to accomplish this. I really admire some of the bloggers that I read that just sock ’em dead with their posts. I read them and think “damn, I wish I could do that”.

4. I want to quit smoking. This is at times much more attainable than the other ones and at the same time just as far-fetched. I want to be able to run around and play with my children’s children’s children. My wife’s parents are both dead partially as a result of smoking and my father is the first male on his side of the family to live past 50 and I figure that is only because of the advances in medicine and awareness that we have made over the last 50 years.

5. I want to have a huge honking penis…Fucking Ron Jeremy huge…So that I can stand there and go Aaarrgghh like a pirate over my victim…Actually I couldn’t think of anything else but the mood around here has gotten much to somber and I had to lighten it up a bit. No, really. I’m fine with my teeny tiny white man penis…

…most of the time.

….no really.

For the Folders Among Us…

…as opposed to the ones that just grab a wad like myself.


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Things NOT to say while having sex

I’ve finished that girls taxes and am cooking dinner. Before opening up those PCs I needed a quick break. I actually posted this last year, today but it was semi-funny so here it is again.

I have to poop.

Smile for the camera.

Get off me, I’ll do it myself.

This is your first time…right?

You’re almost as good as my ex.

When is this supposed to feel good?

I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs!

I was so horny tonight i would have brought a sheep home.

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.

Hey! My friends were right! You ARE good.

I’m starting to sober up and you’re getting ugly.

But everybody looks funny naked!

Do I have to pay for this?

No, you’re too fat to be on top. You’d kill me!

Actually, your sister likes it like this.

What’s your name again?

Hold on, let me change the channel.

It’s nice being in bed with someone i don’t have to inflate.

Uhhh…I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

Birth Cannons

Thanks to Ms. Kat and this extremely short post I am now 5th on Google for Beef Curtains. What? I had never even heard the term until shortly before that post. One good thing has come out of it though. If it weren’t for that particular search I never would have found Muffy’s World of Vagina Euphemisms.


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How Does Music Influence You?

This is something that used to be very relevant in my life when I was in my teens and early twenties. As I get older it isn’t quite as much of an influence as it used to be with one exception. Driving. I have read that reports have been done that show people tend to get more speeding tickets when they are listening to loud music. I haven’t gotten a speeding ticket since 1994 but I tend to drive much faster when listening to certain bands. If I am listening to something such as AC/DC, Megadeth, or Metallica I generally crank it up and drive faster. I suppose at least that part of the report is true but who really cares except for people that think they need to be in control of every little facet of my life and want laws passed that won’t let me listen to music over a certain volume in my car. Asshats.

Yeah.

Anyhow I was thinking specifically about this one show I went to with my friends. Back in my teens a bunch of us lived together and hung out together. Occasionally we would actually work but more often than not we just fucked around hunting for “strange” and getting in trouble. One of our favorite things to do next to going to shows was camping out for them. We would spend literally days camping out at the Omni and occasionally at the Turtles in Peachtree Battle or at the one by the Majestic. I think that was a Turtles anyway. If you are from Atlanta back in the seventies and eighties you know what turtles was.

Back in the eighties Heavy Metal was at it’s peak in the south. Nowadays if a Metal band tours you are lucky to get them to come to Atlanta and if they do they usually play a club rather than a big venue. Not that clubs are a bad thing. Some of the best concerts I have been to have been in clubs. I’ve seen Megadeth, Queensryche, Joe Satriani, SOD, Motorhead, Savatage, and countless other bands in clubs and it is so much better being right there rather than stuck up in the nosebleeds or in the middle of a mosh pit with a bunch of dumbasses, particularly now that I am 40.

Anyway, I don’t remember what show it was that got me to remembering. I think it was Iron Maiden on the Piece of Mind tour, or perhaps Powerslave. Anyway they headlined at the Omni and about twenty of us had seats within the first five rows. We were doing the headbanging thing and just really getting into it when some dumb redneck shoved one of my friends. As a matter of fact it was the guy that I wrote about recently that got busted for running the gambling place up in Flowery Branch earlier this year. The guy that got shoved, not the shover. I lost my shit. I must have jumped over about five people, grabbed the guy off his seat and started bashing his freaking head into the floor. About the time I realized what the hell I was doing I also realized that security was making their way toward me. Man, I ran like a bat out of hell.

I did manage to work my way back around the floor and got back into the front row, but what has always stuck with me was the fact that I lost it so easily. I don’t normally go around bashing people’s heads in, at least not unless it is truly warranted. Before you make the assumption that I was toasted or anything I was completely sober. I don’t drink much anyway and at that point I had quit doing all forms of drugs about two years prior to that. Now, I certainly won’t say that the music “influenced” me to beat the crap out of that guy, that is like the fools that say Judas Priest caused kids to commit suicide. It does however have an effect of facilitation. I figure that I was already pre-disposed to serve out an ass whipping and the music just helped get me in the mood.

Attack of the Repelling Painters

Damned if I wouldn’t have to shoot someone if they suddenly repelled onto my balcony with a paintbrush.

Say hello to Charlie while you are there. Don’t know if he would claim me, but he is another online relative.

My Aunt has also gotten into the act with a bit of her art.

It’s a small world…

I have written a couple of times about how I almost went to jail over a spitball and a Burger King manager. One of my partners in crime has her abode on the web over here. Now if she would just open up her comments to the public…

Dirty Old Men

This reminds me of a line (you can bash me in the comments) “Old Enough to Pee, Old Enough for Me”.

Not that I have used it in twenty years or so. It’s easy to look at younger ladies (and guys for you ladies) until your kids start growing. Now when I see an attractive young thing walking around with her ass falling out of her low riding jeans I just have to smack myself in the forehead for being a pig.

It’s either that or my wife will smack me.

Beef Curtains


I did this paid post on my business blog for labia reduction (I refrained from taking it this afternoon because I could think of nothing but dirty jokes and then took it a few minutes ago) and there are several posts about the opportunity in the forums over there. One of the ladies referred to them as Beef Curtains. LMAO. I’ve heard them referred as Camel Toes, but never beef curtains.


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Timing

Isn’t that what it’s all about? Every day at 3 PM or right around there, I have the great need to take a dump. I was thinking about this the other day and wanted to post about it, but completely forgot until 3:11 this afternoon, as I was keeping my regular date with the porcelain god. I guess being regular is a damn good thing. Better than the alternative anyway.

It doesn’t matter where I am. I am not a picky shitter. Home, work, Walmart, it just doesn’t matter. I try to schedule it where I can be at home, but occasionally it doesn’t work that way. If at work I just try to sneak back into my office and hope nobody else goes in the men’s room for quite some time.